Monday, March 5, 2007

If You Want My Body

I hate Rod Stewart. There are people we just hate for some inexplicable reason. They never did anything to us. They never did anything generally offensive as far as we know. Yet and still, they rub us the wrong way. I think that we are genetically predisposed to not liking certain people, like the uni-brow baby and Maggie on the Simpsons. Maybe, when man first walked the earth it served as a biochemical form of population control. You cross paths with someone whose scent makes you want hit them on the head with your club, and that’s one less person eating food. In modern times, it serves no greater cause, just our petty preoccupations.

When I was a boy, I once asked my Aunt Stell if she liked Diana Ross. We were talking about music; she used to be a deejay back in New York City; I didn’t think it was a dumb question. She never told me “no Umi I don’t like Diana Ross”. Instead, her eyes glazed over like she was remembering the POW camp. My cousin quickly stepped between us, said “he didn’t know Mom”, pulled me out of striking distance and directly outside the house to go play. To this day, I still don’t know exactly what Diana Ross did that made my Aunt Stell black out like that. From the way she responded I’m guessing she must have stolen a boyfriend. All I know is, no one, even her mother when she was living, is allowed to mention even the initials DR around my Aunt Stell. Forget the joke gifts at Christmas. Nothing.

I’ve never liked Rod Stewart. To me, he’s like scraping chalk on a blackboard. You know the feeling. You would break the teacher’s hand to make it stop. On Fridays, I work with the guys who are digging/building the well on our property. Last Friday, while I was working inside the well with one of the guys, Eloy, I kept hearing him whistle the same tune over and over. At first I couldn’t place it. Then, I remembered the lyrics “if you want my body dah dah dah dah dah dah”. And I asked, are you whistling “if you want my body”. Excitedly, he said “yes, you know it” in Spanish. At first, I thought it was Olivia Newton John who sang it. I had a flashback of her in that aerobics outfit with the headband: funny stuff. Then I sang it a little bit and remembered. This is damn Rod Stewart!!!!, I thought. Mind you, I’m in the boondocks of rural Ecuador, 15 feet in the bottom of a well with one other guy. I don’t need to listen to Rod Stewart being whistled (whistling is even worse than singing, because it ensures that the song will stick in your head the rest of the day). Despite what I said earlier about population control, I never got the urge to drown Eloy in the cement we were using. In fact, quite honestly, hearing the little ditty whistled innocently by this really nice guy who’s helping us build our well, put that particular song in a new light. The guys above us heard the conversation and started singing the song badly, mumbling the words. I asked did they know the lyrics. They didn’t. I then sang the chorus and explained what it means in Spanish. Long story short, I now have to print and translate the lyrics, and teach them how to sing the song. They want do sexy serenades for their wives. There might even be a little dance involved. I can’t handle it all right now. I’ve been procrastinating on googling “Rod Stewart lyrics” for a week.

15 comments:

jsb said...

some help from chicago
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rod+stewart/da+ya+think+im+sexy_20117397.html

Natasha said...

Lol, to be a fly on the way when you had that conversation. Will you team them some moves to go with the song?!

DScott7955 said...

Umi-- I am so happy you have started this blog. As I told you and Sylvie when you departed Filthadelphia for your new virginal Ecuadorian life,I would be living the excitement of your experiences through the two of you. Your written words paint such incredible pictures and have assured me that your sense of humor is still intact. I will be looking forward to every entry.
Miss you both very much. ~~Scottie

Anonymous said...

yo, rod stewart is one thing. celine dion will be next, you just watch. perhaps even david hasselhoff one day....

vkm

Anonymous said...

C'mon, that beat was sick! I can picture myself strut'n down the street like Rudy from The Cosby Kids!

uncle larry said...

Stell never like DR because she had more hair! Ok now that I said that , I am leaving the country now and coming to join you, before she reads this!

Umi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Umi said...

Thanks for helping with the lyrics, John. Really, you're great.

Umi said...

I'm not teaching any dance moves. Thanks for the love Scottie. Uncle Larry, I'm in mourning already. You better hope she never, ever reads this thing. Thank you though for unlocking that secret. It's been killing me since I was 7.

evette said...

That hilarious.

Agent Amakawa said...

Umi-- You seem to have a gift for outing people who whistle embarassing tunes. Your story reminds me of the time in D9 that you caught me whistling "Always be my baby" by Mariah Carey. I remember the incident very well. I was in the shower and it was around noon. Not realizing it, I was unconciously whistling the chorus to that song over and over again. Upon leaving the bathroom, I remember being greeted by Umi laughing hysterically and completing the verse, lyrics and all. D9!

Umi said...

Agent A, what's interesting is that you still remember the name of that song. I'm guessing it might have found it's way into your iPod somehow. Maybe, you just happened to listen to it this morning. Or perhaps last week. Mariah Carey fan. I only know her music becuas eI'm forced to by Clear Channel. You, you like it.

agent amakawa said...

Agent Howard-- I'll own up to being caught. But let me ask you this--how was it that you were able complete Ms. Carey's song with lyrics?

Umi said...

I love music. I listen to the radio. and, I have a particular knack for remembering lyrics. Plus, I'm the President of the Manglaralto Mariah Carey fan club. Btw, I downloaded and printed the Rod Stewart lyrics for the guys. Still haven't given them to them yet. Not sure about the wisdom on that one.

Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?